On Solitude and Being Alone : Why it is essential for personal growth (Part 1)

We all know that there’s a difference between being alone and feeling lonely.

Humans need other humans (well most humans do), but even the most gregarious, extrovert needs time alone. This can be scary, and we will often try and fill the gaps with stuff. My blog this week is on why it is absolutely essential that we find time alone, that we embrace time alone and how this time helps us to develop as humans.

Young woman alone drinking coffee

Being Needy

“I can’t bear being on my own”, said one of my lovely clients last week. “When my husband goes away for a few days for business, I immediately start calling up friends and family, and start filling my time.“

I asked her about spending time on her own doing her art, doing some research, reading? And she explained that she has set times for those activities, but when she’s completed her tasks and it’s time to relax, she just can’t when she’s on her own. She starts texting friends, and messaging family.

“I just need people around me all the time. I’m dreading the moment when my youngest child (now 19) leaves home. The silence will kill me.”

This wonderful, clever, creative woman has never spent any time on her own. Ever. She’s 45. She shared a bedroom with her sister until she left home, at university she shared a room with a friend, she married young, and when her husband is away, she often has her sister or a friend stay over.

She goes shopping with her sister or a friend, she goes to exhibitions with friends, she has friends around for coffee every week.

“Why do you think you need people around you all the time?'“, I asked the question gently. After a pause, she replied, “I’m afraid of my own thoughts, where they might go”.

Now this was a very interesting statement!

“I’m just so needy!'“. She cried. “I see friends I was at school with going off on holiday by themselves! And I think, wow, I’d never do that!”

I asked her, “Would you like to go on holiday on your own?”. She laughed, and said, no, but she would like to perhaps have a morning or afternoon by herself without feeling anxious”.

We talked about her feeling anxious when she’s alone, and came back to those thoughts.

“I feel I haven’t done anything with my life. I’m a wife and mother, a sister, daughter, aunty and cousin. I’m a graphic designer working for a major company, where I’ve been for 15 years! When I start to think about my life, I just feel I’m going nowhere, and then I start to feel guilty because I have so much - a great family, lovely friends and a job I love.”

I probed a little more. “You feel guilty because you want more from your life?”

“Yes, I guess so. I feel I should be grateful for what I have, and I am truly grateful. It should be enough.”

Over the last few sessions with this wonderful, caring, kind woman, we have talked about the purpose of life, spirituality, ambition, money and relationships, but this was the first time she had really opened up about her feelings of guilt in wanting more.

I set her the task of spending 10 minutes every day in silence and solitude. She could go for a walk, into the garden, the park, or stay in her house. The challenge is to sit quietly with no distractions and just be still. Mindfullness basics. Be aware of the sounds, and to let her thoughts come and go freely with no judgement.

Simple, but not easy!

Time in solitude helps us to connect with our inner thoughts. To play with ideas, to experience acceptance. This time allows us to understand ourselves, which sounds crazy, but if we’ve spent our whole lives with others, this can be enlightening!

No judgement. Your thoughts are valid. Your dreams and ambitions are valid.

Let yourself go in these moments.

My client agreed to give it a go.

I’ll let you know what happened.